19/05: Great Misunderstanding
Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out
for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Verma receives a telephone call from British Gas
because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs Verma?"
"Yes...... speaking"
"You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the British Gas guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ... HOW ?????"
"Yes ....... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD !!!!!!......... This is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry.... I am following orders.... I have to inform you
are overdue".
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight...he will
speak to your company tomorrow ".
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to British Gas office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
"What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at British Gas,
"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out
for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Verma receives a telephone call from British Gas
because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs Verma?"
"Yes...... speaking"
"You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the British Gas guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ... HOW ?????"
"Yes ....... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD !!!!!!......... This is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry.... I am following orders.... I have to inform you
are overdue".
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight...he will
speak to your company tomorrow ".
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to British Gas office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
"What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at British Gas,
"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
19/05: Funeral Arrangemens
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance
19/05: A jobless man !!
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor
as a Test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address
and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as the date
when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a Computer, or an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email that
means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with
only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to Go to the supermarket
and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the Tomatoes in a door-to-door round.
In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and
returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by
this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and Return late.
Thus, his Money doubled or Tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a Truck, and then he had his own
fleet of Delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the
biggest food Retailers in the US
. He started to Plan his family's
future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an
insurance broker, and Chose a protection plan. When the
Conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email.
The man Replied, "I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet
have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could
have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an
office boy At Microsoft!
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor
as a Test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address
and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as the date
when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a Computer, or an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email that
means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with
only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to Go to the supermarket
and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the Tomatoes in a door-to-door round.
In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and
returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by
this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and Return late.
Thus, his Money doubled or Tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a Truck, and then he had his own
fleet of Delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the
biggest food Retailers in the US
. He started to Plan his family's
future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an
insurance broker, and Chose a protection plan. When the
Conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email.
The man Replied, "I don't have an email."
The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet
have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could
have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an
office boy At Microsoft!
19/05: Pepsi Vending Machine
A man and his wife were in the court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumping up and down said:
'Your Honor'. I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.
The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense?
The man sat for a while contemplating... then slowly rose. 'Your Honor'. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is it ... the machine's or mine?
'Your Honor'. I brought the child into the world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.
The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defense?
The man sat for a while contemplating... then slowly rose. 'Your Honor'. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out... whose Pepsi is it ... the machine's or mine?
19/05: ITALIAN PASTA DIET
IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
19/05: Chinese... the easy way
You MUST read them out loud or it doesn't make much sense...
ENGLISH.......................CHINESE
1) That's not right.......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.......................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse...................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat
9) Its very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odour is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah
For those of you who didn't get it..... Yu Dum Fuk!
ENGLISH.......................CHINESE
1) That's not right.......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.......................... Dum Fuk
5) Small horse...................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.................... Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat
9) Its very dark in here........................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King
12) Staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odour is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great..................... Fa Kin Su Pah
For those of you who didn't get it..... Yu Dum Fuk!
19/05: EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
ONLY IN AMERICA?
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
19/05: Elephant and Camel
An elephant asks a camel:
"Why are your boobs on your back?"
"Well" says the camel,
"I think that's a strange question from somebody whose d...k is on his face. "
"Why are your boobs on your back?"
"Well" says the camel,
"I think that's a strange question from somebody whose d...k is on his face. "
23/03: Golf Course
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
